nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
