So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm at about main and main street
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
