Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Why did my mother make you get naked?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
