her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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