My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
