I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
