im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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