When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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