These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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