My liver just broke up with me...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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