Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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