things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
