you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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