all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
