and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
