i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
