That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
