she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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