Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You are a genius and a whore.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
