how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
