listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's shark week go big or go home
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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