Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
