I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
