u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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