I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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