I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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