we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
