i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
