??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
