her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
