Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
