I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
