she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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