I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
