Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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