I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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