There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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