90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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