I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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