My underwear smells like fireworks.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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