And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
