her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My ass is underappreciated
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
