It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
