I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I checked into jail on foursquare
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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