i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
