So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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