I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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