the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
