Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
