When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
