You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
