I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
